Never Enough

Looking back to all those path I have walked by, I have soon come to realise that I have never had enough. I didn't take enough chance, option, and time for everyone and everything that matter to me the most. As the saying that goes by "silent is golden", which is now seems relatively untrue and understatement. The barricades that never fade are always there taunted me in every direction I go or yet to go. It is intimidating.

There is a shadow hanging close over me, following the sound of the footstep I made. I am afraid to take any more step further knowing I lose again. Thus, choices are not made. 

But honestly - it didn't even really matter. It is the sound of someone who has given up. The truth of it, He cares about who and what we need in life. When we let go the idea of being agitated, you are inviting new possibilities into our lives.

I have come to believe that there is no such thing as the wrong path. Its the fear that we let go to create a new possibilities.

p/s : if you read this, thank you. I am sorry for not done enough and being afraid. With love.

I give up

Its 2.00 am past midnight.

I am still standing here barely moving in the cold room of a typical Australia winter season. Never too sure of what kind of strength do I need to keep on moving now. It also mark the third month since I am on my anti-depression medication. Those pills are not working wonders. Situation is getting worst. Often time, the burden and the hardship almost knock me down senselessly. I have lost everything at the edge of barely 22 years old. I am too young to not enjoy life.

I know this would happen eventually. Its inevitable. My journeys are foretold to end by the third year of my stay. Resistances and hard works are almost futile. I have to eventually pack my way back to Malaysia regardless before things getting worst. The least I could do and fathom is to fix all those broken tie in Malaysia. There are nothing left for me here in Australia. Mate, if you dare look in awe to all of those amazing picture on instagram, you are getting it all wrong. If you do, you are nothing less but a fool trying to dream yourself a utopia. None of us were told, before coming here, of the situation awaited. Especially those who came here intangible to any sponsorship . 

I have been working my arse for as long of two years time just to find that my boss had me cheated all along. Those tax returns were burnt subconsciously before my eyes. Now, I had spent days walking in a hot blazing sun and rainy days just to make up for the debt I owe from friends. It is  never a good trade. I did not sign up for this when I first came. Not to forget all kind of nasty words and swear throw at me regardless. Oh yes, it is amazing. What a story.

I throw everything up. My studies are getting nowhere. My heart is broken. Tears are endlessly flowing a river. Those unit grades are not going to climb itself back to the dean list. Let alone pass. Its over. I am too young to handle this on my own. I guess, by the end of the day, this is the way of Allah swt telling me that "its over, go home now, your family need you. Your heart needs you to be there. I will give you something better". I give up.

Tipu

Mungkin aku, hang, dan depa hidup dalam istidraj.

Menyelusuri sedia jalan gelap jauh sejenak perantauan. Mana mungkin sedepa tangan dan langkah kaki menghayun dapat mencapai lagak jauh yang penuh dengan ketakutan. Kelihatan pula nyawa insan berduri gigih mendabik dada megah tuangan kencing syaitan. Harmoni ajaran sesepuh kini usang dan karam. Kepercayan tekun tergadai rapuh dimamah usia yang jauh simpang. Janji dan kata mimpi nyata menjadi cahaya kota yang malap terangnya. Herdik dan cemuh sandingan mesra sentiasa. Leka dan mimpi sentiasa membuai enak di kayangan sementara ini. Jangan tantapan sekalian bisa berbicara indah bermegah mencemburui. Sememangnya wayang itu semuanya tipu dan dusta.

Meskipun, jiwa sandaran yang membelai utuh berkasihan itu sejenak purnama berlarutan. Hati ini masih mampu berpegang teguh pada paksi sorong yang dituli perlahan menegak ke kiblat yang satu. Oh tuhan rapatilah hidayahMu wahai Maha Mengasihani dan Maha Pemurah. Hamba leka nyenyak ditipu duka realiti yang asing ini.

Full

People are such full of it. We are obnoxious, careless, hypocrite and full of everything.
We got thing way over our head and could be self-centered most of the time.

We claim and throwing tons of craps to each other preaching vast on how would we want to live in a world of a better tomorrow. However, little did we do anything to change ourselves first. Oh, such irony.

There are so much things happening in my life that I didn't have the time to grasp every single meaning that are to it. It just too overwhelming and I'm just a young adult trying to learn and understand. Well, often time question keep barging on my mind's knocking for an answer which I do not have.

It so sad to watch, read, heard of everything in the social media or even in reality. Especially the things that are happening in my home country. Living abroad 6000 kilometers away, does not make me any less Malaysian. It just sad on how things are now. I wonder what kind of view does others have of their home country while they are miles away. What kind of perspective do they hold to their belief, their religion, their life. Those questions are hard. Being a muslim abroad have brought me to a point where I kept asking myself have I done enough. Will it be okay. Or it is not and do I have to try harder?

Well I am been pessimistic. That is bad. Is not it?

Do make your stay here in dunya worth while. Don't waste it on such to much worldly desire. Money, wealth, joy, lust would not make your life full. Instead the bond with your Almighty creator Allah swt that make you full and complete.